My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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