My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
