I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
