I'm drive I can fine osifer
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
