I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He passed out mid-signature
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
