Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Sober January is a disaster.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
