I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
