so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
