"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
