I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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