did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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