Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
