plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
