Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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