the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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