You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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