I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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