I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
