I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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