This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So squirting runs in the family.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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