I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
