mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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