Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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