just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
