6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
