Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
