we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
