Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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