i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
