my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
soo... how was my night?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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