I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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