Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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