dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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