just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize