I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
