it wasn't lemon gatorade
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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