I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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