I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
