he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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