I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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