I just saw a hot homeless man
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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