I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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