my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
