i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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