he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
