and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
