Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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