I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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