I like to think it a success when the cops are called
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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