Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
