yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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