Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
