Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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