there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
