The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
