There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
